A letter to my first love

A letter to my first love

Lately, I have started using Instagram. I am sorry, but I stalk your profile each day and it is the part of my life.

Dear my first love, “I love you”, “I really do like you”. Dozens of poems and tens of stories of you and me, we just the characters of those tales, hundreds of love quotes in your name. I remember each one of those I used to keep inscribing with black ink on your name. How precious each word associated with your name, just the way you are precious to me. I hope those words were enough to describe the feelings and emotions I had in my heart for you. A shy boy with minimal social skills and possibly the outlasted & never visually seen classmate of yours’, nurturing thoughts and love in each part of his heart. Me trying to cross the boundary and break the walls, the darkest separating lines drawn between you and me. I must be foolish, I must admit it, I never deserved you, I never will, you the princess and dream girl of any guy out there and me the unsung one with zero self-esteem, zero self-confidence and literally underlying talent. You that super duper cool girl with ultimate talents and skills, and me the last among every other. Still the thoughts of being with you, to spend days where we are par from every virtual thing we owe, provoking each social beliefs that created a boundary between us, creating a world where there’s no limit of love we have for each other. You were the charm to my dull life and color to my black and white living. Yes, you were my everything, you were and is my first love. I can never explain how much I used to think of you, us being in the same square room for 2 years were the best of the days I possibly could ever have. I went unnoticed all those years but I used to think you, feel you each moment. Every fickle of seconds our eyes met intentionally or by the flavor of the time, a strong breeze of comfort stringed beats of love, the heart throbbed in the rhythm of fulfillment. Your eyes, your eyes-the perfectly curved eye-brows, the black finish of the eyeliner, crimson shyness in your face, the world within your eyes, those slender threadlike silky black hair. The art of killing with a smile aligned with pink glossy lips is something that you must have mastered in, you the professor of making fall in love for you every time I see you. And the ring-finger tip-sized red tika in your broad forehead, the bonus craft to your charm. Dear, my first love, you remember the farewell program right. The day, I, you and we separated with thousands of memories, hundreds of thoughts and dozens of sad faces. The indeed last time, I saw you, the day I literally cried of being far from you, you being far from my sight. Tears rolled down my eyes like its been never, I couldn’t show you what you meant to me, how much I adore you, how much I feel for you. A feeling of being alienated forever from your eyes started killing since then. Unfortunately, I went undiscovered that day too from your eyes. I saw you talking with literally everyone, However, me! how I went unseen? Sometimes, these sorts of memories wet my thoughts and dry my mind. The day I remember for another reason, I saw you wearing saree for the first time. The purple and sky-blue mixed saree, how someone can be beautiful as you were that day. All I have ever heard was Cinderella as a princess and angels of heaven, I bet you look gorgeous enough to make them all feel jealous. I really wish I had said “Oh! my love. You look so great today.” All-day all I been doing was tracing your presence through my eyes. Forgive me, its pervert act of mine, but the delights in your eyes made me be so. Dates and numbers freak me out, I always feel difficult to remember them. However, a date that I don’t have to force my mind to remember. Undoubtedly your date of birth, the date of March 9, 2014. The date that is something that I will never forget. The precious date of my life. Firstly, your birthday unforgettable for a reason and in another, we talked with each other for the first time. Yes, the same moment I live with each day, the same 5-second talk that keeps looping in my mind. I don’t know how I managed to heap up my guts and wish you birthday. In between others’ wishes, mine filtered but I know you replied for it. For me, more than that definite interval, the specific interval matters the most. And now, years have passed, we moved on with our pace of life, we changed and things have changed. Paths diverted to an extent from where merging us is never possible. You may or may not remember me, but I do remember you each day. You were, is and will always be my first love, your memories are not going to vanish within me till the last breath. How can I forget the girl who was the reason to attend schools, the one to heal the pain of loneliness, how can I forget the girl whose eyes whenever met with me though implicitly always made my day. You are the breeze of the spring, the color of fall, the art of the summer and beauty of the winter. In fact, you are the shadow of my living and the warmth of the chilly nights. Every drop of rain falling from the cotton sized clouds makes me remember you. Sunlight each day makes me hopeful of meeting you someday, and the nights give me dreams of you. I live you in each presence, in every second I see you. It’s hard to accept the fact you never thought me that way, you dream someone else the way I dream you, you aspire to walk holding someones else hand down the walk of life. It penetrates my heart, I sometimes cry and sadness entitles me. All I see is you and your image and thinking you to be with someone else burns my heart and soul. I almost die in every thought of yours. How painful is it to let go your beloved eloped away? I know my love is one-sided and I may never be able to confess with you but still, I can’t accept the fact of you becoming someones else queen. Lately, I have started using Instagram and started to follow you. Sorry, but stalking your profile has been part of my daily routine. Your TikTok videos and those funny posed pictures, I see all-not for once, repeatedly. I have told about you to my roommate, you know something, when I was telling him about you, I almost cried. He constantly asks me to forget you and live a life above your memories but I know my inner me will never do that though I nod my head in front of him. I see you mentioning him sometimes in your posts and uploads your couple goals memes, and sometimes those emotional sad quotes. You are still unpredictable.

It's 3 in the morning Few hours, before a bird starts to chirp A song of good morning And I am here stalking your profile Like another crazy stalker Maybe I am, but why I am? The reason you will never know.

“If I fell off tomorrow would you still love me? If I didn’t smell so good would you still hug me? If I locked up and sentenced to a quarter-century, Could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?